Fist of all yes I know it’s February, but some movies I was waiting on didn’t even get decent theatrical release until January, so I say that buys me a month. Plus the Oscars haven’t aired yet, so I figure it’s not ridiculously late. As for why it’s 15 and not ten like last year, there were a lot of great films this year and I’m just really indecisive, so I added 5 more. Also my picks for 14 and 15 could have been about a dozen different films and on any other day probably would be different. So without further ado here are some numbers and pictures followed by words forming rambling, possibly unrelated, thoughts that are filled with grammatical errors and random hate speech.
Probably the most unconventional pick on the list. In a day and age where most horror movies are boring and downright stupid, it’s nice to find one that I actually enjoy. Although this probably is more psycho drama than horror…um… Anyway this makes the list over others because this year I was a sucker for any movie with a scene of extreme hammer violence.
The documentary pick, because every list needs one. This crazy woman’s life is like some kind of glorious bucket list: chat with Errol Morris, clone a puppy, and fuck a Mormon.
If your favorite Juliette Binoche movie has Dane Cook in it, this might not be for you. Well maybe it would be if your favorite opera singer happens to be William Shimmell. Then I don’t know. Who am I to judge? Also, you have strange taste in things.
This might have had the biggest contrast I’ve ever seen between the shittiness of the trailer and the greatness of the film. Whoever thought it was a good idea to put 30 Seconds to Mars in the trailer doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. I’m just happy it didn’t find its way into the film. No one wants a love letter to cinema dictated by Jared Letto.
If you like deadpan foreign dramedies, and I know you do, you can watch this for free on hulu. I saw it in theaters, so that makes me cooler than you.
It’s the movie with the really long run time pick. 4 and half hours of people speaking Portuguese and none of the women are Brazilian? Plus a main character who was a gypsy? Probably should reconsider this one.
If you’re unfamiliar with the work of Bela Tarr just think of any parody of an art film. It’s black and white, in some eastern European language, and it takes place on some farm where everyone is starving. That pretty much sums it up. For his reported swan song Tarr has made a two and a half hour instructional film on how to eat potatoes. It shares my love of sitting in silence and hatred of gypsies.
You might feel down watching Kirsten Dunst be depressed, followed by Charlotte Gainsburg being depressed, but cheer up, because in the end the world explodes.
Remember when Scarlett Johansson took on the role of the Allen surrogate in the incredibly forgettable Scoop? That was bad. Thankfully she’s nowhere to be found here and Owen Wilson does a fantastic job in the role. Nostalgia isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, French women are hot, and this film is great.
When being existential it’s best not to say too much. Lee Marvin knew it. Alain Delon knew it. Now Ryan Gosling knows it. This movie basically sums up my wants in life: to be as talented as Refn, as good looking as Gosling, and I just want Carey Mulligan.
I’m pretty sure I saw several people literally patting themselves on the back while exiting the theater. I guess audiences today are willing to embrace a modern silent film, as long as award shows tell them it’s okay and they aren’t made by Guy Maddin.
You know what made this film even better? Old people in the theater! There were 2 older couples who were clearly there just to see a movie. One proclaimed “I don’t know what this movie is even about.” “It’s the one about the sex addict” her friend whispered, giving the word sex as much gravity as it had ever been given. They then took their seats in the row behind me, occasionally reminding me of their presence by being audibly aroused/uncomfortable while Fassbender ran the sexual gamut. Then there was the older Asian woman in front of me who sat through 2/3rds of the movie, but as soon there was a 3 way involving an Asian woman, she walked out. That’s racist.
The lack of love for this film is criminal and I can only attribute it to people being scared away by Michael Shannon’s face.
If you’re looking for that one foreign film you watch a year so that you could tell people you saw it and sound more cultured, please make it this one.
It has more dinosaurs than the film Tyrannosaur, but less decapitated dogs. So I guess it’s inferior in that respect. Anyway, Malick throws narrative on the backburner (not that he’s ever been too concerned with it) to make his most audacious and possibly best film to date. Also it’s 100% gypsy free.